Orange Towels, Fruit and Protein

Had my first conversation with my nutrition coach today. (Isn't it just amazing that there are coaches for just about everything these days?!) We talked about my progress -- what I am eating; how much I am eating; what kind of exercise I am doing and how much; what percent of fats, proteins and carbohydrates my diet consists of; and how much weight I've lost. Wow, pretty comprehensive -- and all I used to do was step on the scale (step off and head for the jelly beans, chocolate or Cheetos. I was/am an indiscriminate junk food junkie who figured that after all that deprivation I hadn't lost a sufficient amount of weight so why not eat).

Over all, I'm doing pretty well according to my coach. Two areas of improvement are upping my protein and my fruit. I never realized how hard it could be to eat 9 ounces of protein and 4 servings of fruit every day. I never had that problem with gumdrops -- grab a bag and off you go!

I am making progress physically -- seeing the weight go down. Mentally, I'm getting used to thinking about 4 servings of grains/starches a day. Spiritually, I know deep down in my soul that I have a weight problem. Emotionally, I'm still in first grade with a long way to go.

Did you know that I am addicted to big, fluffy bath towels? Who gives a rat's pootutty, you say! Was doing some more poking around in the nooks and crannies of my psyche to plumb what ails me. When I was growing up, my Mom was a total freak-out clean-aholic. She washed and ironed my tights; she hosed out the garage every week; we wore clothes of a certain color on a certain day to match her laundry schedule; all bath towels had to be white; she chloroxed the living shit out of those bath towels. Which meant that we basically dried off with a paper towel masquerading as a bath towel. A gallon of Chlorox every wash cycle wreaks havoc with cotton and doesn't leave much fiber for drying.

So once I started supporting myself, my homes have been chock-a-block full of the fluffiest towels, all in a rainbow of colors. No white towels or Chlorox live under my roof.

So, see how I compensate for what I perceived as deprivation as a child. So I figure there's a similar correlation for my weight and body image issue. Ah, but lots more poking around is needed before I unearth those relationships.

Denial Raises Its Ugly Head

What is it about losing a few pounds that instantly makes me think I am skinny? I feel skinny. I think skinny. So I eat. My only consolation is that the eating binge has been much, much worse in the past and it has continued much longer. At least one pound or two of gumdrops wasn't involved!

I stuck to my nutrition plan all day yesterday, then went totally hog wild in the evening -- downing nearly half a box of Cheese-Its. Sure they were the lowfat kind, but half a box?! My first mistake was taking the box into the living room with me instead of counting out the 31 crackers that my plan allows. (Just a week ago I thought that was a rich trove of goodies!) That first handful tasted delicious, the second one even better. All the while I am congratulating myself mentally on having a light dinner of scallops, cabbage and carrots washed down with nonfat milk and being down 3 pounds on the scale.

My mind's eye totally ignored the Saturday evening getting-ready-to-go-to-a-party fiasco. In my new-found skinny euphoria I drag out a pair of black silk party pants from two years ago -- purchased at a swanky department store chain as a gift to myself. I'm going to be the most fashionable woman at the event, I purr to myself. The black silk pants, the royal blue silk tunic, those to-die-for blue Manolos and my drop-dead fashion statement necklace. I'm going to be Vogue-worthy.

Vogue-worthy? What a joke! I pulled on the pants, delighted that they are pulling on so easily. See, this diet stuff is working! Then reality snaps my head back when there's a good six inches between each side of the pant when I try to zip them up, with that root belly belly poking out in-between.

The plus side here is that I recognize that I slipped into old habits last night -- failing to portion out my food and indulging in delusional thinking. So it's onward and upward once again!

It's Working!

Woohoo! Seven days of a solid nutrition plan and I am down 3 pounds! Logging every morsel that crosses my lips and every wiggle of exercise isn't a concept that I love but I'm able to embrace it so far. If the old saw is true that it takes 21 days to make a habit, I've got 14 days to go before the new approach to eating is more natural. After 21 days I'll still probably have to count servings of grains, starches, fruits and vegetables but hopefully it will come a little more easily.

I still think about food. There was this show on TLC this afternoon about four morbidly obese people that was well, morbidly fascinating. 3 men, 1 woman. The men were so large (700 pounds or so) they spent their days in bed. In comparison, the woman was just a slip of a thing at 365 pounds but consuming almost 15,000 calories a day, on track to weigh 700 pounds in two years at that eating rate.

The camera work was ghoulish but infinitely fascinating -- close-ups of all 4 people eating, spoonful after spoonful of food, the fat glistening on their lips, the chewing motions, ugh. It was nauseating. And inspiring in an odd way. Who wants to look like those folks? Have to live in a bed like they do? Appear weak like they do? Claim to have a food addiction like they do? I felt pity and disgust combined and want no one to have those thoughts when they look at me.

To Root Beer Bellies and Food Logs

It's a fascinating concept. Writing down every morsel you eat, when you eat it, your mood when you eat it and the company you keep when eating. Kinda like the diaries we kept as young girls to record our secret thoughts about those very first boyfriends. Except this feels so much more intrusive. Holy smokes, it's a record of every crumb, every cookie, every bag of gumdrops that I'm feeding to sustain that root beer belly of mine. And sustain it I am!

Just like how I've avoided mirrors and plate glass windows for years, I've obviously also avoided paying any attention to the quantity of what I stuff into my face every day. I was tempted to cheat at the beginning of my recordkeeping. But I was curious enough about the whole process of getting in touch that I decided the "full monty" of recordkeeping was needed without any quantity editing. I do hope that my food journal is truly between my nutritionist and me. Someone coming across the contents of those daily records would think it was a shopping list for feeding sumo wrestlers.

My idea of the perfect afternoon snack -- a venti white chocolate mocha and a sweet roll from Starbucks. And of course the mocha is whole milk with whipped cream, thank you very much. OMG! There's a whole day's worth of calories in what I think of as a snack!!!

Well, here's to weaning the root beer belly away from venti mochas!

13 Calories Each

One gumdrop has 13 calories. Doesn't seem like alot -- until you eat the whole bag. And I've done that hundreds of times! I've spent the last week focusing more on diet research than digging whole hog into my psyche. Too much introspection all at once was getting overwhelming. Eat the 800 pound gorilla one bite at a time. (Curious isn't it, that this apt comment also references eating.)

After or during a tough day, I mindlessly downed a bag of gumdrops, handful after handful, not realizing I was porking away about 2600 extra calories...yikes! Who knew -- did you?

I work late alot and have a hubby at home who is allergic to the kitchen. So regardless of when I get home, he expects me to fix dinner. (Don't rag on me for putting up with this behavior. It's a trade-off for lots of other great things he does. You can't have it all!). So, I'd give him a call saying I'd be home bringing cheeseburgers. I'd go through the drive-thru and order 3 burgers. I would eat the third one while driving home and then eat "mine" alongside hubby.

Does anyone else do these wacko things??? How did you stop? I can be brave and share online but I don't have the courage yet to say such a thing publicly. Share your insight, please, please, please.

Me, Oprah and a bag of gumdrops

Well, I decided to do some research this week about losing weight. Lucky me, Oprah was having her Best Life series. I tuned in on Monday to hear what she and Bob Greene had to say about following off the weight wagon , something I've done a few times. I listened again on Tuesday night, this time with Dr. Oz. I took copious notes both nights. I highlighted things to remember. I listed other resources to check out. So, one side of my brain was doing the right things, or so I thought. But the other side of my brain, or is it the darker side of my soul, my dark hidden self, was doing its own thing. 'Cuz each night I mindlessly munched while listening and taking all those detailed notes. Almost a pound of gumdrops one night and jelly beans the next. What is wrong with me?????