2 Baby Steps Forward, 1 Giant Leap Back

Having lost 16 pounds so far on my journey is the two steps forward. Seeing my image in an enormous mirror at a lecture and its impact was the giant step back.

For reasons I cannot yet fathom, my mental image of myself is in a different universe than my physical reality. The video/snapshots/images in my mind are those of a slender well-dressed woman who radiates self-confidence, health and fitness. For years I have been the master of self-delusion given the delta between my mind's eye image and the plus-size clothes in the closet.

So, combine the powers of self-delusion and a 16 pound weight loss and what do you get? A mental image of increased loveliness!

Now, toss in the reality of a nasty yoga study mirror (no, I wasn't doing yoga, just attending a lecture being held in a yoga studio space) and what do you get? A race for gumdrops and pretzels!

The woman in the yoga studio mirror was well-dressed and well-groomed (had a really nice handbag, too!) but she was plus-size. OMG! Her face was round, so was her root beer belly, even her fingers were pudgy. Thank goodness, sort of, that the mirror was directly behind the speaker. Given my intense scrutiny focused unwaveringly at the front of the room, she certainly had to believe that I was hanging on her every word! There was no escape from that mirror, that image, for almost two hours.

I would love to report that I've progressed far enough on my journey to say that I processed the image of that plus-sized woman gracefully and meaningfully. But I didn't...at first. My initial reaction was to eat. (Had a friend not accompanied me to the lecture, I'm pretty sure that I would have stopped at the nearest grocery store to stock up on "food medicine" to self-mediate on the drive home.)

After kissing hubby, I raced to the pantry. Grabbed the candy jar that's purposefully filled with candies that only hubby likes and frantically rooted through its contents, looking for sweet release from that image in the mirror. Praise be! I found two gumdrops at the very bottom of the jar and quickly snarfed them down. But they weren't enough, so I grabbed the bag of pretzels and ate several handfuls until the svelte mental image returned. Ah, what relief.

In retrospect, I HAVE made progress. Before I started this journey, I would have dropped my friend off at her home, returned to the grocery for gumdrops and chocolate and then soothed myself with sugar garbage, all curled up in the corner of my big, comfy couch. OK, my first reaction was to reach for food so there's still work to be done there. But the progress is in what food I did go for, three handfuls of nonfat pretzels. Sure, they were extra calories that looked really bad on my food log for the day. But imagine how awful bags of gumdrops and York peppermint patties would have looked on the food log. They would have looked even worse as added bulk on my root beer belly.

So maybe that giant step back wasn't quite so giant after all...or am I deluding myself again???

The Siren Song Of Thin Mint Cookies

My NU4You program is still producing results for me. Or maybe I should really say that I am producing results for me. I really want to be thin. I won't want to be fat anymore. I don't feel good fat. I don't look good fat. I don't like myself fat. And, for the first time in quite a few years, those thoughts really do circle about in my head and heart when I faced with food temptation. Woohoo!

Case in point: Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. In years past, I would buy 12 boxes from 6 different Girl Scouts. Buying 2 boxes is kinda respectable, it's for a good cause and all. You maybe get a raised eyebrow as the too-pert-little-kid mentally speculates if you are going to eat both boxes yourself. Buying 12 boxes is just too obvious a fact that you have no life and that you will absolutely, positively devour all 12 boxes all by yourself.

Anyway, this year I did not buy a single box of Girl Scout cookies. My good hubby, on the other hand, purchased 4 boxes -- including one Thin Mints. The day they were delivered felt like a sweet gremlin had invaded my pantry. For a couple weeks they blessedly, blissfully remained unopened. Then, just yesterday afternoon, hubby decides he wants hot chocolate and Thin Mints. OMG.

The box sat tantalizing close on the coffee table. The chocolate, minty aroma filled the living room. Yet I looked at the open sleeve of cookies laying there like they were a plague that I needed to avoid at all costs. Where did that spine of steel come from??? Don't have a clue but I am totally loving it.

The Journey Continues. Who Else Will Come?

As I continue on my journey of self-exploration and self-improvement, I delve into into new feelings and new territories of thought. Today I feel confidence.

So far in my weight loss journey, I am down 14 pounds. What a delightful number! While there are still many more pounds to go, I am glorying in the success of the moment. Thoughts of gumdrops continue to dance in my mind and probably always will. But I am gaining confidence, momentum and control. And it feels good!

The insights into my soul and make-up continue as well. It is intriguing to scrutinize your life from a somewhat objective point of view (my feelings of today). What one learns is fascinating -- provided you are open to receiving the lesson (and I am today).

Grow, stretch, succeed.

Fascination with Excess, or is it Obsession???

The weekend weather was dark and dreary - the perfect environment for staying inside and poking around in the depths of my psyche. I've been shying away from this mental and emotional dig, which is typical behavior for me, e.g., if it is unpleasant, ignore it. But in this new phase of self-determined and self-directed living, I am persevering with the inner exploration no matter how uncomfortable. Getting to the bottom of my internal gunk is key to ending the fat-then-skinny-then-fat-then-skinny-then-fat roller coaster.

Accessories have been my shield from the world. I have terrific handbags, amazing shoes, to-die-for scarves, brief cases in every color, drawers and hanging racks overflowing with jewelry of all kinds, a vast pen collection. All unconsciously or maybe consciously designed as diversions. See my designer handbag, not see the root beer belly. See the wildly colored and patterned scarf, not see the jowls. See the amazing pen, not see the pudge squishing out on either side of the gemstone ring.

I was able to divert myself and hoped that I was diverting others, too. Why else to have dozens of handbags and shoes in every color and size imaginable?

But now the diversionary tactics have been exposed. I'm on to myself. I wonder who else was on to me years ago and never said a word. Have you ever withheld this knowledge, this news, this revelation, from anyone?

Will You Run with Me?

While living on the West Coast, I used to jog in a forest of redwoods. I got my nature fix along with a dose of really good exercise. A redwood forest is a magical place - trees soaring to the sky, dappled sunlight dancing through tree limbs, spring water runoff dancing down the pebble strewn streams, the smell of fallen leaves. A jog there leaves you refreshed and feeling at one with the universe.

Careers and family brought us back east. Back to humidity, four seasons and more humidity. I gave up jogging. Now that I am on my quest for health and personal understanding and peace with my body, I started jogging again. The scenery is different but the internal peace remains the same.

Why do we stop exercising when it can make us feel so good inside and out??

Directionally Correct!

Woohoo -- down another 2 pounds! Nu4You is working for me! Watching my fats, grains and starches, meats, etc. is a scientific approach to lifestyle eating that's based on allowances and portion sizes, not calorie counting. And the system resonates with me. I've written before about my love/hate relationship with a food log but, heck, who can argue with success.

Now that I'm down a few pounds, I am getting more focused on exercise. My goal is to compete in a 10k here on April 4. Wish me luck!

God, I Hate Fat Ass Clothes!

Got another motivating kick in the ass yesterday - the just god-awful styling of plus size clothes! What idiots design that garbage? People who think large size women don't have curves?? Don't want to be stylish? Who do want to wear something other than hideous flowers in lime green and orange?

It was re-assuring that plus-size women were the store clerks. It wasn't re-assuring to see that they had consumed gallons of buy-our-clothes-koolaid. Ever been to a kindergarten class in which the kiddies are mini Picassos and are happily sloshing paint every which way on those enormous pieces of paper? Then, imagine taking that piece of paper and fashioning a shirt for a plus-size gal out of it. And don't bother to add any darts or seams that would shape the mess. Hey, fat ass girls just want to hide under yards of fabrics! Double-D tits in lime green and orange flowers the size of Florida is a sight just too awful to behold.

Get with it designers of plus-size clothes -- 'cuz gals like me run screaming from your stores and head straight to the gym. Your merchandise is a major motivator to lose weight!

Frangos and Old Friends

Anyone ever tasted a Frango?! (A delightful chocolate treat from the old Marshall Field stores now available through Macy's.) I hadn't thought of Frangos for years, not since leaving the Midwest. But yesterday I received an email from a long ago work colleague (isn't social media just great in how you can reconnect?) who remembered how I loved Frangos, especially the chocolate mint variety.

Of all the work experiences we had, he remembered Frangos. Is that a sign of how well he knew me, or rather a sign of the fat messages (involuntary, voluntary, whatever) I sent eons ago about what was important to me??? Yikes! Who knows what to think!

Down 10, a Gazillion to go!

For almost 3 weeks now I've been "good" food-wise. My reward is losing 10 pounds -- sweet! It feels quite good to accomplish something positive with my weight. It felt even better yesterday to zip up a pair of long-hanging-in-the-closet-but-too-small-to-wear pants.

From past experience I know I can hang in here for another 3 weeks and be food-smart. Then I get brain-silly and start shoveling in the gumdrops, cheese, cookies, pizza, 2 cheeseburgers, whatever. Maybe emotion-silly is a better descriptor. All I know is that a some trigger gets pulled deep inside. Then I forget all the resolutions and tears, reaching for food to mindlessly eat and eat. Sometimes it is a one- or two-time binge and then I'm back on the program. Other times, I'm lost and my diet is over. My last "get good" period was four years ago when I lost 80 pounds. I stayed at it for 18 months.

Sadly, I reverted to old habits and regained 60 of those hard-lost pounds. I've moved to a new city in the last year. Everyone I meet now only knows me as a fat person, not the image I want people to have of me. Not the self-image I want either. I want to get off the weight roller coaster for good. Here's an Oprah quote that resonates with me: "It took me a while to get to the truth. I didn't love food. I used food to numb my negative feelings."

My task -- keep losing weight while figuring out what I am hiding or compensating for or trying to heal or trying to hide. What a journey it's gonna be!

I'd love to have company -- does anyone out there want to come along?

Orange Towels, Fruit and Protein

Had my first conversation with my nutrition coach today. (Isn't it just amazing that there are coaches for just about everything these days?!) We talked about my progress -- what I am eating; how much I am eating; what kind of exercise I am doing and how much; what percent of fats, proteins and carbohydrates my diet consists of; and how much weight I've lost. Wow, pretty comprehensive -- and all I used to do was step on the scale (step off and head for the jelly beans, chocolate or Cheetos. I was/am an indiscriminate junk food junkie who figured that after all that deprivation I hadn't lost a sufficient amount of weight so why not eat).

Over all, I'm doing pretty well according to my coach. Two areas of improvement are upping my protein and my fruit. I never realized how hard it could be to eat 9 ounces of protein and 4 servings of fruit every day. I never had that problem with gumdrops -- grab a bag and off you go!

I am making progress physically -- seeing the weight go down. Mentally, I'm getting used to thinking about 4 servings of grains/starches a day. Spiritually, I know deep down in my soul that I have a weight problem. Emotionally, I'm still in first grade with a long way to go.

Did you know that I am addicted to big, fluffy bath towels? Who gives a rat's pootutty, you say! Was doing some more poking around in the nooks and crannies of my psyche to plumb what ails me. When I was growing up, my Mom was a total freak-out clean-aholic. She washed and ironed my tights; she hosed out the garage every week; we wore clothes of a certain color on a certain day to match her laundry schedule; all bath towels had to be white; she chloroxed the living shit out of those bath towels. Which meant that we basically dried off with a paper towel masquerading as a bath towel. A gallon of Chlorox every wash cycle wreaks havoc with cotton and doesn't leave much fiber for drying.

So once I started supporting myself, my homes have been chock-a-block full of the fluffiest towels, all in a rainbow of colors. No white towels or Chlorox live under my roof.

So, see how I compensate for what I perceived as deprivation as a child. So I figure there's a similar correlation for my weight and body image issue. Ah, but lots more poking around is needed before I unearth those relationships.

It's Working!

Woohoo! Seven days of a solid nutrition plan and I am down 3 pounds! Logging every morsel that crosses my lips and every wiggle of exercise isn't a concept that I love but I'm able to embrace it so far. If the old saw is true that it takes 21 days to make a habit, I've got 14 days to go before the new approach to eating is more natural. After 21 days I'll still probably have to count servings of grains, starches, fruits and vegetables but hopefully it will come a little more easily.

I still think about food. There was this show on TLC this afternoon about four morbidly obese people that was well, morbidly fascinating. 3 men, 1 woman. The men were so large (700 pounds or so) they spent their days in bed. In comparison, the woman was just a slip of a thing at 365 pounds but consuming almost 15,000 calories a day, on track to weigh 700 pounds in two years at that eating rate.

The camera work was ghoulish but infinitely fascinating -- close-ups of all 4 people eating, spoonful after spoonful of food, the fat glistening on their lips, the chewing motions, ugh. It was nauseating. And inspiring in an odd way. Who wants to look like those folks? Have to live in a bed like they do? Appear weak like they do? Claim to have a food addiction like they do? I felt pity and disgust combined and want no one to have those thoughts when they look at me.

New Week, New Eating Style

Nifty -- a nutritionist who wants you to focus on your eating as a lifestyle, not a diet. OK, OK, maybe zillions of others have found this advice before but it feels new to me. So I'm going to give it a try. Nothing to lose except for maybe a few pounds!

Daily servings of grains and starches, non-starchy vegetables, fruit, dairy, very lean meats, healthy fats -- that's not so hard to do. Or so it seems today -- where were those nuggets of wisdom last night at the Super Bowl party when I inhaled 3 chocolate chip cookies?? I ate that first one and it was like the dying man at the well. I was a goner. So this morning on my nutritionist's web site I looked up the calorie count for those cookies. I was just floored to discover that I snarfed up 1300 calories in about 10 minutes -- OMG! That's a 100 more calories than I am supposed to eat in a day on his plan!

So today I'm off on a journey with a new eating plan and a new way to look at food. I've been down this road lots of times before but this time I have a new found desire to make it stick. On my earlier diets, I lacked the interest to explore my motivation to eat and eat and eat and not really pay attention to eating and eating and eating. There's obviously something that I'm trying to do with food to cover up or compensate for other issues. So let's get to the bottom of this once and for all.

I'd love to hear from others who may have taken this journey and arrived in a good place.