My delightful sister and I are alike in many ways. We're both professional women with families, over-achievers, love to laugh, buy shoes and purses, fiercely independent, long to write a book and enjoy entertaining. The biggest difference between us? About 100 pounds and 10 dress sizes.
My sister is one of those women who, when dripping wet, is a size 4 -- and thinks she is fat. There's no wattle on her neck or upper arms. There's no root beer belly. No pudding thighs. No squish over or under the bra strap. And a piece of bread hasn't crossed her lips in years.
At a whopping size 6 she decided she was simply unbelievably enormous. She declared war on her weight so she could get back to a more acceptable size. (I was in one of my "skinny" phases at the time and thought she had lost her mind. She looked lovely as a size 6...a size I would have killed for. A skinny period for me is size 10-12.) She also declared war on grains and starches, and the war continues to this day.
Declaring war on grains and starches was part of my current diet plan. Hey, if it worked so well and so long for little sis, well, it was good enough for me. That was until my nutritionist blew me out of the water. He assigned, yes assigned or maybe mandated is a better word, that I eat 4 servings of grains and starches a day. I'm taking his word for it since he is the expert.
But those super skinny lovely arms of my little sis and the fact that she has not eaten bread for years and years keeps haunting me. Isn't she on to something? What do you think?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
2 Baby Steps Forward, 1 Giant Leap Back
Having lost 16 pounds so far on my journey is the two steps forward. Seeing my image in an enormous mirror at a lecture and its impact was the giant step back.
For reasons I cannot yet fathom, my mental image of myself is in a different universe than my physical reality. The video/snapshots/images in my mind are those of a slender well-dressed woman who radiates self-confidence, health and fitness. For years I have been the master of self-delusion given the delta between my mind's eye image and the plus-size clothes in the closet.
So, combine the powers of self-delusion and a 16 pound weight loss and what do you get? A mental image of increased loveliness!
Now, toss in the reality of a nasty yoga study mirror (no, I wasn't doing yoga, just attending a lecture being held in a yoga studio space) and what do you get? A race for gumdrops and pretzels!
The woman in the yoga studio mirror was well-dressed and well-groomed (had a really nice handbag, too!) but she was plus-size. OMG! Her face was round, so was her root beer belly, even her fingers were pudgy. Thank goodness, sort of, that the mirror was directly behind the speaker. Given my intense scrutiny focused unwaveringly at the front of the room, she certainly had to believe that I was hanging on her every word! There was no escape from that mirror, that image, for almost two hours.
I would love to report that I've progressed far enough on my journey to say that I processed the image of that plus-sized woman gracefully and meaningfully. But I didn't...at first. My initial reaction was to eat. (Had a friend not accompanied me to the lecture, I'm pretty sure that I would have stopped at the nearest grocery store to stock up on "food medicine" to self-mediate on the drive home.)
After kissing hubby, I raced to the pantry. Grabbed the candy jar that's purposefully filled with candies that only hubby likes and frantically rooted through its contents, looking for sweet release from that image in the mirror. Praise be! I found two gumdrops at the very bottom of the jar and quickly snarfed them down. But they weren't enough, so I grabbed the bag of pretzels and ate several handfuls until the svelte mental image returned. Ah, what relief.
In retrospect, I HAVE made progress. Before I started this journey, I would have dropped my friend off at her home, returned to the grocery for gumdrops and chocolate and then soothed myself with sugar garbage, all curled up in the corner of my big, comfy couch. OK, my first reaction was to reach for food so there's still work to be done there. But the progress is in what food I did go for, three handfuls of nonfat pretzels. Sure, they were extra calories that looked really bad on my food log for the day. But imagine how awful bags of gumdrops and York peppermint patties would have looked on the food log. They would have looked even worse as added bulk on my root beer belly.
So maybe that giant step back wasn't quite so giant after all...or am I deluding myself again???
For reasons I cannot yet fathom, my mental image of myself is in a different universe than my physical reality. The video/snapshots/images in my mind are those of a slender well-dressed woman who radiates self-confidence, health and fitness. For years I have been the master of self-delusion given the delta between my mind's eye image and the plus-size clothes in the closet.
So, combine the powers of self-delusion and a 16 pound weight loss and what do you get? A mental image of increased loveliness!
Now, toss in the reality of a nasty yoga study mirror (no, I wasn't doing yoga, just attending a lecture being held in a yoga studio space) and what do you get? A race for gumdrops and pretzels!
The woman in the yoga studio mirror was well-dressed and well-groomed (had a really nice handbag, too!) but she was plus-size. OMG! Her face was round, so was her root beer belly, even her fingers were pudgy. Thank goodness, sort of, that the mirror was directly behind the speaker. Given my intense scrutiny focused unwaveringly at the front of the room, she certainly had to believe that I was hanging on her every word! There was no escape from that mirror, that image, for almost two hours.
I would love to report that I've progressed far enough on my journey to say that I processed the image of that plus-sized woman gracefully and meaningfully. But I didn't...at first. My initial reaction was to eat. (Had a friend not accompanied me to the lecture, I'm pretty sure that I would have stopped at the nearest grocery store to stock up on "food medicine" to self-mediate on the drive home.)
After kissing hubby, I raced to the pantry. Grabbed the candy jar that's purposefully filled with candies that only hubby likes and frantically rooted through its contents, looking for sweet release from that image in the mirror. Praise be! I found two gumdrops at the very bottom of the jar and quickly snarfed them down. But they weren't enough, so I grabbed the bag of pretzels and ate several handfuls until the svelte mental image returned. Ah, what relief.
In retrospect, I HAVE made progress. Before I started this journey, I would have dropped my friend off at her home, returned to the grocery for gumdrops and chocolate and then soothed myself with sugar garbage, all curled up in the corner of my big, comfy couch. OK, my first reaction was to reach for food so there's still work to be done there. But the progress is in what food I did go for, three handfuls of nonfat pretzels. Sure, they were extra calories that looked really bad on my food log for the day. But imagine how awful bags of gumdrops and York peppermint patties would have looked on the food log. They would have looked even worse as added bulk on my root beer belly.
So maybe that giant step back wasn't quite so giant after all...or am I deluding myself again???
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The Siren Song Of Thin Mint Cookies
My NU4You program is still producing results for me. Or maybe I should really say that I am producing results for me. I really want to be thin. I won't want to be fat anymore. I don't feel good fat. I don't look good fat. I don't like myself fat. And, for the first time in quite a few years, those thoughts really do circle about in my head and heart when I faced with food temptation. Woohoo!
Case in point: Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. In years past, I would buy 12 boxes from 6 different Girl Scouts. Buying 2 boxes is kinda respectable, it's for a good cause and all. You maybe get a raised eyebrow as the too-pert-little-kid mentally speculates if you are going to eat both boxes yourself. Buying 12 boxes is just too obvious a fact that you have no life and that you will absolutely, positively devour all 12 boxes all by yourself.
Anyway, this year I did not buy a single box of Girl Scout cookies. My good hubby, on the other hand, purchased 4 boxes -- including one Thin Mints. The day they were delivered felt like a sweet gremlin had invaded my pantry. For a couple weeks they blessedly, blissfully remained unopened. Then, just yesterday afternoon, hubby decides he wants hot chocolate and Thin Mints. OMG.
The box sat tantalizing close on the coffee table. The chocolate, minty aroma filled the living room. Yet I looked at the open sleeve of cookies laying there like they were a plague that I needed to avoid at all costs. Where did that spine of steel come from??? Don't have a clue but I am totally loving it.
Case in point: Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. In years past, I would buy 12 boxes from 6 different Girl Scouts. Buying 2 boxes is kinda respectable, it's for a good cause and all. You maybe get a raised eyebrow as the too-pert-little-kid mentally speculates if you are going to eat both boxes yourself. Buying 12 boxes is just too obvious a fact that you have no life and that you will absolutely, positively devour all 12 boxes all by yourself.
Anyway, this year I did not buy a single box of Girl Scout cookies. My good hubby, on the other hand, purchased 4 boxes -- including one Thin Mints. The day they were delivered felt like a sweet gremlin had invaded my pantry. For a couple weeks they blessedly, blissfully remained unopened. Then, just yesterday afternoon, hubby decides he wants hot chocolate and Thin Mints. OMG.
The box sat tantalizing close on the coffee table. The chocolate, minty aroma filled the living room. Yet I looked at the open sleeve of cookies laying there like they were a plague that I needed to avoid at all costs. Where did that spine of steel come from??? Don't have a clue but I am totally loving it.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Journey Continues. Who Else Will Come?
As I continue on my journey of self-exploration and self-improvement, I delve into into new feelings and new territories of thought. Today I feel confidence.
So far in my weight loss journey, I am down 14 pounds. What a delightful number! While there are still many more pounds to go, I am glorying in the success of the moment. Thoughts of gumdrops continue to dance in my mind and probably always will. But I am gaining confidence, momentum and control. And it feels good!
The insights into my soul and make-up continue as well. It is intriguing to scrutinize your life from a somewhat objective point of view (my feelings of today). What one learns is fascinating -- provided you are open to receiving the lesson (and I am today).
Grow, stretch, succeed.
So far in my weight loss journey, I am down 14 pounds. What a delightful number! While there are still many more pounds to go, I am glorying in the success of the moment. Thoughts of gumdrops continue to dance in my mind and probably always will. But I am gaining confidence, momentum and control. And it feels good!
The insights into my soul and make-up continue as well. It is intriguing to scrutinize your life from a somewhat objective point of view (my feelings of today). What one learns is fascinating -- provided you are open to receiving the lesson (and I am today).
Grow, stretch, succeed.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Who Else Will Come, Too?
I am soooooo tickled!!! Several posts ago I asked if anyone wanted to come along with me on the weight loss and inner exploration journey. And now I have a partner on this passage to smaller sizes and greater self-awareness!! How wonderful! Who else is willing to come along?!
Fascination with Excess, or is it Obsession???
The weekend weather was dark and dreary - the perfect environment for staying inside and poking around in the depths of my psyche. I've been shying away from this mental and emotional dig, which is typical behavior for me, e.g., if it is unpleasant, ignore it. But in this new phase of self-determined and self-directed living, I am persevering with the inner exploration no matter how uncomfortable. Getting to the bottom of my internal gunk is key to ending the fat-then-skinny-then-fat-then-skinny-then-fat roller coaster.
Accessories have been my shield from the world. I have terrific handbags, amazing shoes, to-die-for scarves, brief cases in every color, drawers and hanging racks overflowing with jewelry of all kinds, a vast pen collection. All unconsciously or maybe consciously designed as diversions. See my designer handbag, not see the root beer belly. See the wildly colored and patterned scarf, not see the jowls. See the amazing pen, not see the pudge squishing out on either side of the gemstone ring.
I was able to divert myself and hoped that I was diverting others, too. Why else to have dozens of handbags and shoes in every color and size imaginable?
But now the diversionary tactics have been exposed. I'm on to myself. I wonder who else was on to me years ago and never said a word. Have you ever withheld this knowledge, this news, this revelation, from anyone?
Accessories have been my shield from the world. I have terrific handbags, amazing shoes, to-die-for scarves, brief cases in every color, drawers and hanging racks overflowing with jewelry of all kinds, a vast pen collection. All unconsciously or maybe consciously designed as diversions. See my designer handbag, not see the root beer belly. See the wildly colored and patterned scarf, not see the jowls. See the amazing pen, not see the pudge squishing out on either side of the gemstone ring.
I was able to divert myself and hoped that I was diverting others, too. Why else to have dozens of handbags and shoes in every color and size imaginable?
But now the diversionary tactics have been exposed. I'm on to myself. I wonder who else was on to me years ago and never said a word. Have you ever withheld this knowledge, this news, this revelation, from anyone?
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