Always Placing Myself Last

Why, why, why do women continue to put themselves last??? Why do we perpetually place ourselves at the bottom of the priority list? We know we shouldn't do it, but over and over, time and time again, we put our needs last. Family, work, community -- we make time for them.

All the while knowing, in the back of our mind, that we need to be doing something for "me." Something like exercise. Something like taking the time to chop veggies for a healthy snack. Something like making time to think, to reflect, to plan. Something like reading that good article in Prevention or Health.

I have promised myself over and over to make/take time for me....yet I continue to repeat history and place myself last time.

Has anyone found the magic potion to cure this "I-am-last" disease?!

What's a Skinny Sister Got to Do with Bread?

My delightful sister and I are alike in many ways. We're both professional women with families, over-achievers, love to laugh, buy shoes and purses, fiercely independent, long to write a book and enjoy entertaining. The biggest difference between us? About 100 pounds and 10 dress sizes.

My sister is one of those women who, when dripping wet, is a size 4 -- and thinks she is fat. There's no wattle on her neck or upper arms. There's no root beer belly. No pudding thighs. No squish over or under the bra strap. And a piece of bread hasn't crossed her lips in years.

At a whopping size 6 she decided she was simply unbelievably enormous. She declared war on her weight so she could get back to a more acceptable size. (I was in one of my "skinny" phases at the time and thought she had lost her mind. She looked lovely as a size 6...a size I would have killed for. A skinny period for me is size 10-12.) She also declared war on grains and starches, and the war continues to this day.

Declaring war on grains and starches was part of my current diet plan. Hey, if it worked so well and so long for little sis, well, it was good enough for me. That was until my nutritionist blew me out of the water. He assigned, yes assigned or maybe mandated is a better word, that I eat 4 servings of grains and starches a day. I'm taking his word for it since he is the expert.

But those super skinny lovely arms of my little sis and the fact that she has not eaten bread for years and years keeps haunting me. Isn't she on to something? What do you think?

The Siren Song Of Thin Mint Cookies

My NU4You program is still producing results for me. Or maybe I should really say that I am producing results for me. I really want to be thin. I won't want to be fat anymore. I don't feel good fat. I don't look good fat. I don't like myself fat. And, for the first time in quite a few years, those thoughts really do circle about in my head and heart when I faced with food temptation. Woohoo!

Case in point: Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. In years past, I would buy 12 boxes from 6 different Girl Scouts. Buying 2 boxes is kinda respectable, it's for a good cause and all. You maybe get a raised eyebrow as the too-pert-little-kid mentally speculates if you are going to eat both boxes yourself. Buying 12 boxes is just too obvious a fact that you have no life and that you will absolutely, positively devour all 12 boxes all by yourself.

Anyway, this year I did not buy a single box of Girl Scout cookies. My good hubby, on the other hand, purchased 4 boxes -- including one Thin Mints. The day they were delivered felt like a sweet gremlin had invaded my pantry. For a couple weeks they blessedly, blissfully remained unopened. Then, just yesterday afternoon, hubby decides he wants hot chocolate and Thin Mints. OMG.

The box sat tantalizing close on the coffee table. The chocolate, minty aroma filled the living room. Yet I looked at the open sleeve of cookies laying there like they were a plague that I needed to avoid at all costs. Where did that spine of steel come from??? Don't have a clue but I am totally loving it.

The Journey Continues. Who Else Will Come?

As I continue on my journey of self-exploration and self-improvement, I delve into into new feelings and new territories of thought. Today I feel confidence.

So far in my weight loss journey, I am down 14 pounds. What a delightful number! While there are still many more pounds to go, I am glorying in the success of the moment. Thoughts of gumdrops continue to dance in my mind and probably always will. But I am gaining confidence, momentum and control. And it feels good!

The insights into my soul and make-up continue as well. It is intriguing to scrutinize your life from a somewhat objective point of view (my feelings of today). What one learns is fascinating -- provided you are open to receiving the lesson (and I am today).

Grow, stretch, succeed.

Fascination with Excess, or is it Obsession???

The weekend weather was dark and dreary - the perfect environment for staying inside and poking around in the depths of my psyche. I've been shying away from this mental and emotional dig, which is typical behavior for me, e.g., if it is unpleasant, ignore it. But in this new phase of self-determined and self-directed living, I am persevering with the inner exploration no matter how uncomfortable. Getting to the bottom of my internal gunk is key to ending the fat-then-skinny-then-fat-then-skinny-then-fat roller coaster.

Accessories have been my shield from the world. I have terrific handbags, amazing shoes, to-die-for scarves, brief cases in every color, drawers and hanging racks overflowing with jewelry of all kinds, a vast pen collection. All unconsciously or maybe consciously designed as diversions. See my designer handbag, not see the root beer belly. See the wildly colored and patterned scarf, not see the jowls. See the amazing pen, not see the pudge squishing out on either side of the gemstone ring.

I was able to divert myself and hoped that I was diverting others, too. Why else to have dozens of handbags and shoes in every color and size imaginable?

But now the diversionary tactics have been exposed. I'm on to myself. I wonder who else was on to me years ago and never said a word. Have you ever withheld this knowledge, this news, this revelation, from anyone?

Directionally Correct!

Woohoo -- down another 2 pounds! Nu4You is working for me! Watching my fats, grains and starches, meats, etc. is a scientific approach to lifestyle eating that's based on allowances and portion sizes, not calorie counting. And the system resonates with me. I've written before about my love/hate relationship with a food log but, heck, who can argue with success.

Now that I'm down a few pounds, I am getting more focused on exercise. My goal is to compete in a 10k here on April 4. Wish me luck!

God, I Hate Fat Ass Clothes!

Got another motivating kick in the ass yesterday - the just god-awful styling of plus size clothes! What idiots design that garbage? People who think large size women don't have curves?? Don't want to be stylish? Who do want to wear something other than hideous flowers in lime green and orange?

It was re-assuring that plus-size women were the store clerks. It wasn't re-assuring to see that they had consumed gallons of buy-our-clothes-koolaid. Ever been to a kindergarten class in which the kiddies are mini Picassos and are happily sloshing paint every which way on those enormous pieces of paper? Then, imagine taking that piece of paper and fashioning a shirt for a plus-size gal out of it. And don't bother to add any darts or seams that would shape the mess. Hey, fat ass girls just want to hide under yards of fabrics! Double-D tits in lime green and orange flowers the size of Florida is a sight just too awful to behold.

Get with it designers of plus-size clothes -- 'cuz gals like me run screaming from your stores and head straight to the gym. Your merchandise is a major motivator to lose weight!

Down 10, a Gazillion to go!

For almost 3 weeks now I've been "good" food-wise. My reward is losing 10 pounds -- sweet! It feels quite good to accomplish something positive with my weight. It felt even better yesterday to zip up a pair of long-hanging-in-the-closet-but-too-small-to-wear pants.

From past experience I know I can hang in here for another 3 weeks and be food-smart. Then I get brain-silly and start shoveling in the gumdrops, cheese, cookies, pizza, 2 cheeseburgers, whatever. Maybe emotion-silly is a better descriptor. All I know is that a some trigger gets pulled deep inside. Then I forget all the resolutions and tears, reaching for food to mindlessly eat and eat. Sometimes it is a one- or two-time binge and then I'm back on the program. Other times, I'm lost and my diet is over. My last "get good" period was four years ago when I lost 80 pounds. I stayed at it for 18 months.

Sadly, I reverted to old habits and regained 60 of those hard-lost pounds. I've moved to a new city in the last year. Everyone I meet now only knows me as a fat person, not the image I want people to have of me. Not the self-image I want either. I want to get off the weight roller coaster for good. Here's an Oprah quote that resonates with me: "It took me a while to get to the truth. I didn't love food. I used food to numb my negative feelings."

My task -- keep losing weight while figuring out what I am hiding or compensating for or trying to heal or trying to hide. What a journey it's gonna be!

I'd love to have company -- does anyone out there want to come along?

Orange Towels, Fruit and Protein

Had my first conversation with my nutrition coach today. (Isn't it just amazing that there are coaches for just about everything these days?!) We talked about my progress -- what I am eating; how much I am eating; what kind of exercise I am doing and how much; what percent of fats, proteins and carbohydrates my diet consists of; and how much weight I've lost. Wow, pretty comprehensive -- and all I used to do was step on the scale (step off and head for the jelly beans, chocolate or Cheetos. I was/am an indiscriminate junk food junkie who figured that after all that deprivation I hadn't lost a sufficient amount of weight so why not eat).

Over all, I'm doing pretty well according to my coach. Two areas of improvement are upping my protein and my fruit. I never realized how hard it could be to eat 9 ounces of protein and 4 servings of fruit every day. I never had that problem with gumdrops -- grab a bag and off you go!

I am making progress physically -- seeing the weight go down. Mentally, I'm getting used to thinking about 4 servings of grains/starches a day. Spiritually, I know deep down in my soul that I have a weight problem. Emotionally, I'm still in first grade with a long way to go.

Did you know that I am addicted to big, fluffy bath towels? Who gives a rat's pootutty, you say! Was doing some more poking around in the nooks and crannies of my psyche to plumb what ails me. When I was growing up, my Mom was a total freak-out clean-aholic. She washed and ironed my tights; she hosed out the garage every week; we wore clothes of a certain color on a certain day to match her laundry schedule; all bath towels had to be white; she chloroxed the living shit out of those bath towels. Which meant that we basically dried off with a paper towel masquerading as a bath towel. A gallon of Chlorox every wash cycle wreaks havoc with cotton and doesn't leave much fiber for drying.

So once I started supporting myself, my homes have been chock-a-block full of the fluffiest towels, all in a rainbow of colors. No white towels or Chlorox live under my roof.

So, see how I compensate for what I perceived as deprivation as a child. So I figure there's a similar correlation for my weight and body image issue. Ah, but lots more poking around is needed before I unearth those relationships.

Denial Raises Its Ugly Head

What is it about losing a few pounds that instantly makes me think I am skinny? I feel skinny. I think skinny. So I eat. My only consolation is that the eating binge has been much, much worse in the past and it has continued much longer. At least one pound or two of gumdrops wasn't involved!

I stuck to my nutrition plan all day yesterday, then went totally hog wild in the evening -- downing nearly half a box of Cheese-Its. Sure they were the lowfat kind, but half a box?! My first mistake was taking the box into the living room with me instead of counting out the 31 crackers that my plan allows. (Just a week ago I thought that was a rich trove of goodies!) That first handful tasted delicious, the second one even better. All the while I am congratulating myself mentally on having a light dinner of scallops, cabbage and carrots washed down with nonfat milk and being down 3 pounds on the scale.

My mind's eye totally ignored the Saturday evening getting-ready-to-go-to-a-party fiasco. In my new-found skinny euphoria I drag out a pair of black silk party pants from two years ago -- purchased at a swanky department store chain as a gift to myself. I'm going to be the most fashionable woman at the event, I purr to myself. The black silk pants, the royal blue silk tunic, those to-die-for blue Manolos and my drop-dead fashion statement necklace. I'm going to be Vogue-worthy.

Vogue-worthy? What a joke! I pulled on the pants, delighted that they are pulling on so easily. See, this diet stuff is working! Then reality snaps my head back when there's a good six inches between each side of the pant when I try to zip them up, with that root belly belly poking out in-between.

The plus side here is that I recognize that I slipped into old habits last night -- failing to portion out my food and indulging in delusional thinking. So it's onward and upward once again!

It's Working!

Woohoo! Seven days of a solid nutrition plan and I am down 3 pounds! Logging every morsel that crosses my lips and every wiggle of exercise isn't a concept that I love but I'm able to embrace it so far. If the old saw is true that it takes 21 days to make a habit, I've got 14 days to go before the new approach to eating is more natural. After 21 days I'll still probably have to count servings of grains, starches, fruits and vegetables but hopefully it will come a little more easily.

I still think about food. There was this show on TLC this afternoon about four morbidly obese people that was well, morbidly fascinating. 3 men, 1 woman. The men were so large (700 pounds or so) they spent their days in bed. In comparison, the woman was just a slip of a thing at 365 pounds but consuming almost 15,000 calories a day, on track to weigh 700 pounds in two years at that eating rate.

The camera work was ghoulish but infinitely fascinating -- close-ups of all 4 people eating, spoonful after spoonful of food, the fat glistening on their lips, the chewing motions, ugh. It was nauseating. And inspiring in an odd way. Who wants to look like those folks? Have to live in a bed like they do? Appear weak like they do? Claim to have a food addiction like they do? I felt pity and disgust combined and want no one to have those thoughts when they look at me.

To Root Beer Bellies and Food Logs

It's a fascinating concept. Writing down every morsel you eat, when you eat it, your mood when you eat it and the company you keep when eating. Kinda like the diaries we kept as young girls to record our secret thoughts about those very first boyfriends. Except this feels so much more intrusive. Holy smokes, it's a record of every crumb, every cookie, every bag of gumdrops that I'm feeding to sustain that root beer belly of mine. And sustain it I am!

Just like how I've avoided mirrors and plate glass windows for years, I've obviously also avoided paying any attention to the quantity of what I stuff into my face every day. I was tempted to cheat at the beginning of my recordkeeping. But I was curious enough about the whole process of getting in touch that I decided the "full monty" of recordkeeping was needed without any quantity editing. I do hope that my food journal is truly between my nutritionist and me. Someone coming across the contents of those daily records would think it was a shopping list for feeding sumo wrestlers.

My idea of the perfect afternoon snack -- a venti white chocolate mocha and a sweet roll from Starbucks. And of course the mocha is whole milk with whipped cream, thank you very much. OMG! There's a whole day's worth of calories in what I think of as a snack!!!

Well, here's to weaning the root beer belly away from venti mochas!

New Week, New Eating Style

Nifty -- a nutritionist who wants you to focus on your eating as a lifestyle, not a diet. OK, OK, maybe zillions of others have found this advice before but it feels new to me. So I'm going to give it a try. Nothing to lose except for maybe a few pounds!

Daily servings of grains and starches, non-starchy vegetables, fruit, dairy, very lean meats, healthy fats -- that's not so hard to do. Or so it seems today -- where were those nuggets of wisdom last night at the Super Bowl party when I inhaled 3 chocolate chip cookies?? I ate that first one and it was like the dying man at the well. I was a goner. So this morning on my nutritionist's web site I looked up the calorie count for those cookies. I was just floored to discover that I snarfed up 1300 calories in about 10 minutes -- OMG! That's a 100 more calories than I am supposed to eat in a day on his plan!

So today I'm off on a journey with a new eating plan and a new way to look at food. I've been down this road lots of times before but this time I have a new found desire to make it stick. On my earlier diets, I lacked the interest to explore my motivation to eat and eat and eat and not really pay attention to eating and eating and eating. There's obviously something that I'm trying to do with food to cover up or compensate for other issues. So let's get to the bottom of this once and for all.

I'd love to hear from others who may have taken this journey and arrived in a good place.

13 Calories Each

One gumdrop has 13 calories. Doesn't seem like alot -- until you eat the whole bag. And I've done that hundreds of times! I've spent the last week focusing more on diet research than digging whole hog into my psyche. Too much introspection all at once was getting overwhelming. Eat the 800 pound gorilla one bite at a time. (Curious isn't it, that this apt comment also references eating.)

After or during a tough day, I mindlessly downed a bag of gumdrops, handful after handful, not realizing I was porking away about 2600 extra calories...yikes! Who knew -- did you?

I work late alot and have a hubby at home who is allergic to the kitchen. So regardless of when I get home, he expects me to fix dinner. (Don't rag on me for putting up with this behavior. It's a trade-off for lots of other great things he does. You can't have it all!). So, I'd give him a call saying I'd be home bringing cheeseburgers. I'd go through the drive-thru and order 3 burgers. I would eat the third one while driving home and then eat "mine" alongside hubby.

Does anyone else do these wacko things??? How did you stop? I can be brave and share online but I don't have the courage yet to say such a thing publicly. Share your insight, please, please, please.

Scared, Shocked, Fascinated

She hung from the tree branch. But not like you would expect one to hang from a tree branch. This branch had her dangling in the air, impaled through her eye. My 6-year old sister, Suzie, had ridden her bicycle into a tree; and was embraced in a way she never imagined. I along with all the other neighborhood kids stood there, staring, shocked into immobility, finally running for adults and shouting for help. Scared, shocked, fascinated.

It's macabre but true, some 30 years past the event, to think that my life changed even more than hers from what happened that day.

Is there, could there be some link to my life's quirks from that fateful day??

Frigid Morning, Fascinating Past, Future Journey

Spent the morning bundled up in warming layers, sipping robust coffee while going through picture albums. An endeavor that was both pleasant and chilling (no weather pun intended!). Pleasant for the long stretch of my life where I had a normal body shape. I've certainly never been a size 4 but a healthy size 10 and even not bad at a size 14. Chilling, though, to watch the root beer belly (OK, OK, those insidious rolls of blubber) grow. From the pictures, the root beer belly started growing in my mid-30's.

To make the pounds go away permanently, I need to know the point in my life where food became so important. I'm off on a journey of exploration.

Me, Oprah and a bag of gumdrops

Well, I decided to do some research this week about losing weight. Lucky me, Oprah was having her Best Life series. I tuned in on Monday to hear what she and Bob Greene had to say about following off the weight wagon , something I've done a few times. I listened again on Tuesday night, this time with Dr. Oz. I took copious notes both nights. I highlighted things to remember. I listed other resources to check out. So, one side of my brain was doing the right things, or so I thought. But the other side of my brain, or is it the darker side of my soul, my dark hidden self, was doing its own thing. 'Cuz each night I mindlessly munched while listening and taking all those detailed notes. Almost a pound of gumdrops one night and jelly beans the next. What is wrong with me?????