I'm Just Hopeless

Just what is it with me and food?!! I can't wrestle that over-eating gremlin to the ground and keep her there.

I sit on the couch, watching the US Open and eating nearly a can, a can!, of peanuts. Sure they were dry-roasted, but a freakin' can of them! My 'fat clothes' are getting snug and I mindlessly pork away.

Dear, oh, dear.

I'm the reason why I'm overweight. No one made me do it. I did it.
~Neil Cavuto

Yes and, you know, I can't use the nice words anymore because I used to chicken out by using them. I used to call myself plus size, used to call myself chubby. I used to call myself overweight.
~Star Jones

It's National Blueberry Month!

Who knew blueberries were so good for you?! For years I thought of blueberries as a buffet or plate garnish...they looked pretty and added a pop of color but what else were they good for. I never ate too many of them until my nutritionist implored me to give them a try. Eat 3/4 cup a day, he decried.

So I did, and discovered how much I really liked those bitty fruits. Blueberries proved to be versatile: of course added to cereal, part of a fruit salad and stirred into yogurt. But then creativity came into play: adding them to cottage cheese with a sprinkling of walnuts or making a salsa for poached halibut...yum!

The added bonus was how good they were for me, chock-a-block full of antioxidants and vitamin E. Who know? Not me! Hey, munch a handful today for your health, and for just the sheer joy of it!

According to Cynthia Kirkeby, July was proclaimed National Blueberry Month by the United States Department of Agriculture on May 8th, 1999. Blueberries are grown in 35 states in the US, and the United States produces over 90% of all of the blueberries in the world. They have been used in soups, stews and more, for centuries. According to Ark-LA-Tex, the Native Americans taught the pilgrims to use blueberries in many ways. Blueberries were dried in the sun and ground into a powder. The powder was used to make a pudding called Sautauthig, and it was used to season meat as a “spice rub.”



Sautauhig - Blueberry Cornmeal Mush

1 1/2 cups water
1 1/2 cups milk
3/4 cup cornmeal or quick cooking grits
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons maple syrup or honey
2 cups fresh, frozen or canned blueberries or 1/2 cup dried blueberries (see note)

1. In a 2-quart saucepan heat water and milk until bubbles form around edge of pan.
2. Stirring constantly, slowly add cornmeal or grits and salt until well combined.
3. Reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer, until thickened, about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.
4. Stir in maple syrup or honey until well combined.
5. Gently stir in blueberries.

Yield: about 6 regular servings or 12 tasting-sized servings (about 4 3/4 cups)

Source: The US Highbush Blueberry Council

Confessions of a Closet Eater

My experiment for the last two weeks has yielded big time results!

What was the experiment? To eat only in the company of others, not alone.

The results? A seven-pound weight loss!

Food logs revealed that I was a closet eater....mindlessly snarfing down bags of gumdrops and handfuls of M&Ms...when no one else was around! I work at home out of a home office, so the eternal opportunity exists to eat and eat. And, wow, was I ever maximizing that opportunity...as my expanding waist line could easily attest.

My experiment required that I eat nothing unless someone was else was present, and that eating occur only at the dining table. No secret snacking. No spoonfuls of leftovers while cleaning up the kitchen. No clandestine frig raids. No munching while driving.

This is working well for me...you might want to give it a try to control that mindless eating gremlin that lurks so close to the surface.

And another thing to try...the amazing online food log offered by Nu4You, a San Francisco based nutrition firm owned by Manuel Villacorte. He is shaping me up (and doesn't even know that I am blogging about this!).

Always Placing Myself Last

Why, why, why do women continue to put themselves last??? Why do we perpetually place ourselves at the bottom of the priority list? We know we shouldn't do it, but over and over, time and time again, we put our needs last. Family, work, community -- we make time for them.

All the while knowing, in the back of our mind, that we need to be doing something for "me." Something like exercise. Something like taking the time to chop veggies for a healthy snack. Something like making time to think, to reflect, to plan. Something like reading that good article in Prevention or Health.

I have promised myself over and over to make/take time for me....yet I continue to repeat history and place myself last time.

Has anyone found the magic potion to cure this "I-am-last" disease?!

What's a Skinny Sister Got to Do with Bread?

My delightful sister and I are alike in many ways. We're both professional women with families, over-achievers, love to laugh, buy shoes and purses, fiercely independent, long to write a book and enjoy entertaining. The biggest difference between us? About 100 pounds and 10 dress sizes.

My sister is one of those women who, when dripping wet, is a size 4 -- and thinks she is fat. There's no wattle on her neck or upper arms. There's no root beer belly. No pudding thighs. No squish over or under the bra strap. And a piece of bread hasn't crossed her lips in years.

At a whopping size 6 she decided she was simply unbelievably enormous. She declared war on her weight so she could get back to a more acceptable size. (I was in one of my "skinny" phases at the time and thought she had lost her mind. She looked lovely as a size 6...a size I would have killed for. A skinny period for me is size 10-12.) She also declared war on grains and starches, and the war continues to this day.

Declaring war on grains and starches was part of my current diet plan. Hey, if it worked so well and so long for little sis, well, it was good enough for me. That was until my nutritionist blew me out of the water. He assigned, yes assigned or maybe mandated is a better word, that I eat 4 servings of grains and starches a day. I'm taking his word for it since he is the expert.

But those super skinny lovely arms of my little sis and the fact that she has not eaten bread for years and years keeps haunting me. Isn't she on to something? What do you think?

2 Baby Steps Forward, 1 Giant Leap Back

Having lost 16 pounds so far on my journey is the two steps forward. Seeing my image in an enormous mirror at a lecture and its impact was the giant step back.

For reasons I cannot yet fathom, my mental image of myself is in a different universe than my physical reality. The video/snapshots/images in my mind are those of a slender well-dressed woman who radiates self-confidence, health and fitness. For years I have been the master of self-delusion given the delta between my mind's eye image and the plus-size clothes in the closet.

So, combine the powers of self-delusion and a 16 pound weight loss and what do you get? A mental image of increased loveliness!

Now, toss in the reality of a nasty yoga study mirror (no, I wasn't doing yoga, just attending a lecture being held in a yoga studio space) and what do you get? A race for gumdrops and pretzels!

The woman in the yoga studio mirror was well-dressed and well-groomed (had a really nice handbag, too!) but she was plus-size. OMG! Her face was round, so was her root beer belly, even her fingers were pudgy. Thank goodness, sort of, that the mirror was directly behind the speaker. Given my intense scrutiny focused unwaveringly at the front of the room, she certainly had to believe that I was hanging on her every word! There was no escape from that mirror, that image, for almost two hours.

I would love to report that I've progressed far enough on my journey to say that I processed the image of that plus-sized woman gracefully and meaningfully. But I didn't...at first. My initial reaction was to eat. (Had a friend not accompanied me to the lecture, I'm pretty sure that I would have stopped at the nearest grocery store to stock up on "food medicine" to self-mediate on the drive home.)

After kissing hubby, I raced to the pantry. Grabbed the candy jar that's purposefully filled with candies that only hubby likes and frantically rooted through its contents, looking for sweet release from that image in the mirror. Praise be! I found two gumdrops at the very bottom of the jar and quickly snarfed them down. But they weren't enough, so I grabbed the bag of pretzels and ate several handfuls until the svelte mental image returned. Ah, what relief.

In retrospect, I HAVE made progress. Before I started this journey, I would have dropped my friend off at her home, returned to the grocery for gumdrops and chocolate and then soothed myself with sugar garbage, all curled up in the corner of my big, comfy couch. OK, my first reaction was to reach for food so there's still work to be done there. But the progress is in what food I did go for, three handfuls of nonfat pretzels. Sure, they were extra calories that looked really bad on my food log for the day. But imagine how awful bags of gumdrops and York peppermint patties would have looked on the food log. They would have looked even worse as added bulk on my root beer belly.

So maybe that giant step back wasn't quite so giant after all...or am I deluding myself again???

The Siren Song Of Thin Mint Cookies

My NU4You program is still producing results for me. Or maybe I should really say that I am producing results for me. I really want to be thin. I won't want to be fat anymore. I don't feel good fat. I don't look good fat. I don't like myself fat. And, for the first time in quite a few years, those thoughts really do circle about in my head and heart when I faced with food temptation. Woohoo!

Case in point: Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. In years past, I would buy 12 boxes from 6 different Girl Scouts. Buying 2 boxes is kinda respectable, it's for a good cause and all. You maybe get a raised eyebrow as the too-pert-little-kid mentally speculates if you are going to eat both boxes yourself. Buying 12 boxes is just too obvious a fact that you have no life and that you will absolutely, positively devour all 12 boxes all by yourself.

Anyway, this year I did not buy a single box of Girl Scout cookies. My good hubby, on the other hand, purchased 4 boxes -- including one Thin Mints. The day they were delivered felt like a sweet gremlin had invaded my pantry. For a couple weeks they blessedly, blissfully remained unopened. Then, just yesterday afternoon, hubby decides he wants hot chocolate and Thin Mints. OMG.

The box sat tantalizing close on the coffee table. The chocolate, minty aroma filled the living room. Yet I looked at the open sleeve of cookies laying there like they were a plague that I needed to avoid at all costs. Where did that spine of steel come from??? Don't have a clue but I am totally loving it.

The Journey Continues. Who Else Will Come?

As I continue on my journey of self-exploration and self-improvement, I delve into into new feelings and new territories of thought. Today I feel confidence.

So far in my weight loss journey, I am down 14 pounds. What a delightful number! While there are still many more pounds to go, I am glorying in the success of the moment. Thoughts of gumdrops continue to dance in my mind and probably always will. But I am gaining confidence, momentum and control. And it feels good!

The insights into my soul and make-up continue as well. It is intriguing to scrutinize your life from a somewhat objective point of view (my feelings of today). What one learns is fascinating -- provided you are open to receiving the lesson (and I am today).

Grow, stretch, succeed.

Who Else Will Come, Too?

I am soooooo tickled!!! Several posts ago I asked if anyone wanted to come along with me on the weight loss and inner exploration journey. And now I have a partner on this passage to smaller sizes and greater self-awareness!! How wonderful! Who else is willing to come along?!

Fascination with Excess, or is it Obsession???

The weekend weather was dark and dreary - the perfect environment for staying inside and poking around in the depths of my psyche. I've been shying away from this mental and emotional dig, which is typical behavior for me, e.g., if it is unpleasant, ignore it. But in this new phase of self-determined and self-directed living, I am persevering with the inner exploration no matter how uncomfortable. Getting to the bottom of my internal gunk is key to ending the fat-then-skinny-then-fat-then-skinny-then-fat roller coaster.

Accessories have been my shield from the world. I have terrific handbags, amazing shoes, to-die-for scarves, brief cases in every color, drawers and hanging racks overflowing with jewelry of all kinds, a vast pen collection. All unconsciously or maybe consciously designed as diversions. See my designer handbag, not see the root beer belly. See the wildly colored and patterned scarf, not see the jowls. See the amazing pen, not see the pudge squishing out on either side of the gemstone ring.

I was able to divert myself and hoped that I was diverting others, too. Why else to have dozens of handbags and shoes in every color and size imaginable?

But now the diversionary tactics have been exposed. I'm on to myself. I wonder who else was on to me years ago and never said a word. Have you ever withheld this knowledge, this news, this revelation, from anyone?

Will You Run with Me?

While living on the West Coast, I used to jog in a forest of redwoods. I got my nature fix along with a dose of really good exercise. A redwood forest is a magical place - trees soaring to the sky, dappled sunlight dancing through tree limbs, spring water runoff dancing down the pebble strewn streams, the smell of fallen leaves. A jog there leaves you refreshed and feeling at one with the universe.

Careers and family brought us back east. Back to humidity, four seasons and more humidity. I gave up jogging. Now that I am on my quest for health and personal understanding and peace with my body, I started jogging again. The scenery is different but the internal peace remains the same.

Why do we stop exercising when it can make us feel so good inside and out??

Directionally Correct!

Woohoo -- down another 2 pounds! Nu4You is working for me! Watching my fats, grains and starches, meats, etc. is a scientific approach to lifestyle eating that's based on allowances and portion sizes, not calorie counting. And the system resonates with me. I've written before about my love/hate relationship with a food log but, heck, who can argue with success.

Now that I'm down a few pounds, I am getting more focused on exercise. My goal is to compete in a 10k here on April 4. Wish me luck!

God, I Hate Fat Ass Clothes!

Got another motivating kick in the ass yesterday - the just god-awful styling of plus size clothes! What idiots design that garbage? People who think large size women don't have curves?? Don't want to be stylish? Who do want to wear something other than hideous flowers in lime green and orange?

It was re-assuring that plus-size women were the store clerks. It wasn't re-assuring to see that they had consumed gallons of buy-our-clothes-koolaid. Ever been to a kindergarten class in which the kiddies are mini Picassos and are happily sloshing paint every which way on those enormous pieces of paper? Then, imagine taking that piece of paper and fashioning a shirt for a plus-size gal out of it. And don't bother to add any darts or seams that would shape the mess. Hey, fat ass girls just want to hide under yards of fabrics! Double-D tits in lime green and orange flowers the size of Florida is a sight just too awful to behold.

Get with it designers of plus-size clothes -- 'cuz gals like me run screaming from your stores and head straight to the gym. Your merchandise is a major motivator to lose weight!

Frangos and Old Friends

Anyone ever tasted a Frango?! (A delightful chocolate treat from the old Marshall Field stores now available through Macy's.) I hadn't thought of Frangos for years, not since leaving the Midwest. But yesterday I received an email from a long ago work colleague (isn't social media just great in how you can reconnect?) who remembered how I loved Frangos, especially the chocolate mint variety.

Of all the work experiences we had, he remembered Frangos. Is that a sign of how well he knew me, or rather a sign of the fat messages (involuntary, voluntary, whatever) I sent eons ago about what was important to me??? Yikes! Who knows what to think!

Down 10, a Gazillion to go!

For almost 3 weeks now I've been "good" food-wise. My reward is losing 10 pounds -- sweet! It feels quite good to accomplish something positive with my weight. It felt even better yesterday to zip up a pair of long-hanging-in-the-closet-but-too-small-to-wear pants.

From past experience I know I can hang in here for another 3 weeks and be food-smart. Then I get brain-silly and start shoveling in the gumdrops, cheese, cookies, pizza, 2 cheeseburgers, whatever. Maybe emotion-silly is a better descriptor. All I know is that a some trigger gets pulled deep inside. Then I forget all the resolutions and tears, reaching for food to mindlessly eat and eat. Sometimes it is a one- or two-time binge and then I'm back on the program. Other times, I'm lost and my diet is over. My last "get good" period was four years ago when I lost 80 pounds. I stayed at it for 18 months.

Sadly, I reverted to old habits and regained 60 of those hard-lost pounds. I've moved to a new city in the last year. Everyone I meet now only knows me as a fat person, not the image I want people to have of me. Not the self-image I want either. I want to get off the weight roller coaster for good. Here's an Oprah quote that resonates with me: "It took me a while to get to the truth. I didn't love food. I used food to numb my negative feelings."

My task -- keep losing weight while figuring out what I am hiding or compensating for or trying to heal or trying to hide. What a journey it's gonna be!

I'd love to have company -- does anyone out there want to come along?

Orange Towels, Fruit and Protein

Had my first conversation with my nutrition coach today. (Isn't it just amazing that there are coaches for just about everything these days?!) We talked about my progress -- what I am eating; how much I am eating; what kind of exercise I am doing and how much; what percent of fats, proteins and carbohydrates my diet consists of; and how much weight I've lost. Wow, pretty comprehensive -- and all I used to do was step on the scale (step off and head for the jelly beans, chocolate or Cheetos. I was/am an indiscriminate junk food junkie who figured that after all that deprivation I hadn't lost a sufficient amount of weight so why not eat).

Over all, I'm doing pretty well according to my coach. Two areas of improvement are upping my protein and my fruit. I never realized how hard it could be to eat 9 ounces of protein and 4 servings of fruit every day. I never had that problem with gumdrops -- grab a bag and off you go!

I am making progress physically -- seeing the weight go down. Mentally, I'm getting used to thinking about 4 servings of grains/starches a day. Spiritually, I know deep down in my soul that I have a weight problem. Emotionally, I'm still in first grade with a long way to go.

Did you know that I am addicted to big, fluffy bath towels? Who gives a rat's pootutty, you say! Was doing some more poking around in the nooks and crannies of my psyche to plumb what ails me. When I was growing up, my Mom was a total freak-out clean-aholic. She washed and ironed my tights; she hosed out the garage every week; we wore clothes of a certain color on a certain day to match her laundry schedule; all bath towels had to be white; she chloroxed the living shit out of those bath towels. Which meant that we basically dried off with a paper towel masquerading as a bath towel. A gallon of Chlorox every wash cycle wreaks havoc with cotton and doesn't leave much fiber for drying.

So once I started supporting myself, my homes have been chock-a-block full of the fluffiest towels, all in a rainbow of colors. No white towels or Chlorox live under my roof.

So, see how I compensate for what I perceived as deprivation as a child. So I figure there's a similar correlation for my weight and body image issue. Ah, but lots more poking around is needed before I unearth those relationships.

Denial Raises Its Ugly Head

What is it about losing a few pounds that instantly makes me think I am skinny? I feel skinny. I think skinny. So I eat. My only consolation is that the eating binge has been much, much worse in the past and it has continued much longer. At least one pound or two of gumdrops wasn't involved!

I stuck to my nutrition plan all day yesterday, then went totally hog wild in the evening -- downing nearly half a box of Cheese-Its. Sure they were the lowfat kind, but half a box?! My first mistake was taking the box into the living room with me instead of counting out the 31 crackers that my plan allows. (Just a week ago I thought that was a rich trove of goodies!) That first handful tasted delicious, the second one even better. All the while I am congratulating myself mentally on having a light dinner of scallops, cabbage and carrots washed down with nonfat milk and being down 3 pounds on the scale.

My mind's eye totally ignored the Saturday evening getting-ready-to-go-to-a-party fiasco. In my new-found skinny euphoria I drag out a pair of black silk party pants from two years ago -- purchased at a swanky department store chain as a gift to myself. I'm going to be the most fashionable woman at the event, I purr to myself. The black silk pants, the royal blue silk tunic, those to-die-for blue Manolos and my drop-dead fashion statement necklace. I'm going to be Vogue-worthy.

Vogue-worthy? What a joke! I pulled on the pants, delighted that they are pulling on so easily. See, this diet stuff is working! Then reality snaps my head back when there's a good six inches between each side of the pant when I try to zip them up, with that root belly belly poking out in-between.

The plus side here is that I recognize that I slipped into old habits last night -- failing to portion out my food and indulging in delusional thinking. So it's onward and upward once again!

It's Working!

Woohoo! Seven days of a solid nutrition plan and I am down 3 pounds! Logging every morsel that crosses my lips and every wiggle of exercise isn't a concept that I love but I'm able to embrace it so far. If the old saw is true that it takes 21 days to make a habit, I've got 14 days to go before the new approach to eating is more natural. After 21 days I'll still probably have to count servings of grains, starches, fruits and vegetables but hopefully it will come a little more easily.

I still think about food. There was this show on TLC this afternoon about four morbidly obese people that was well, morbidly fascinating. 3 men, 1 woman. The men were so large (700 pounds or so) they spent their days in bed. In comparison, the woman was just a slip of a thing at 365 pounds but consuming almost 15,000 calories a day, on track to weigh 700 pounds in two years at that eating rate.

The camera work was ghoulish but infinitely fascinating -- close-ups of all 4 people eating, spoonful after spoonful of food, the fat glistening on their lips, the chewing motions, ugh. It was nauseating. And inspiring in an odd way. Who wants to look like those folks? Have to live in a bed like they do? Appear weak like they do? Claim to have a food addiction like they do? I felt pity and disgust combined and want no one to have those thoughts when they look at me.

To Root Beer Bellies and Food Logs

It's a fascinating concept. Writing down every morsel you eat, when you eat it, your mood when you eat it and the company you keep when eating. Kinda like the diaries we kept as young girls to record our secret thoughts about those very first boyfriends. Except this feels so much more intrusive. Holy smokes, it's a record of every crumb, every cookie, every bag of gumdrops that I'm feeding to sustain that root beer belly of mine. And sustain it I am!

Just like how I've avoided mirrors and plate glass windows for years, I've obviously also avoided paying any attention to the quantity of what I stuff into my face every day. I was tempted to cheat at the beginning of my recordkeeping. But I was curious enough about the whole process of getting in touch that I decided the "full monty" of recordkeeping was needed without any quantity editing. I do hope that my food journal is truly between my nutritionist and me. Someone coming across the contents of those daily records would think it was a shopping list for feeding sumo wrestlers.

My idea of the perfect afternoon snack -- a venti white chocolate mocha and a sweet roll from Starbucks. And of course the mocha is whole milk with whipped cream, thank you very much. OMG! There's a whole day's worth of calories in what I think of as a snack!!!

Well, here's to weaning the root beer belly away from venti mochas!

New Week, New Eating Style

Nifty -- a nutritionist who wants you to focus on your eating as a lifestyle, not a diet. OK, OK, maybe zillions of others have found this advice before but it feels new to me. So I'm going to give it a try. Nothing to lose except for maybe a few pounds!

Daily servings of grains and starches, non-starchy vegetables, fruit, dairy, very lean meats, healthy fats -- that's not so hard to do. Or so it seems today -- where were those nuggets of wisdom last night at the Super Bowl party when I inhaled 3 chocolate chip cookies?? I ate that first one and it was like the dying man at the well. I was a goner. So this morning on my nutritionist's web site I looked up the calorie count for those cookies. I was just floored to discover that I snarfed up 1300 calories in about 10 minutes -- OMG! That's a 100 more calories than I am supposed to eat in a day on his plan!

So today I'm off on a journey with a new eating plan and a new way to look at food. I've been down this road lots of times before but this time I have a new found desire to make it stick. On my earlier diets, I lacked the interest to explore my motivation to eat and eat and eat and not really pay attention to eating and eating and eating. There's obviously something that I'm trying to do with food to cover up or compensate for other issues. So let's get to the bottom of this once and for all.

I'd love to hear from others who may have taken this journey and arrived in a good place.