Down 10, a Gazillion to go!

For almost 3 weeks now I've been "good" food-wise. My reward is losing 10 pounds -- sweet! It feels quite good to accomplish something positive with my weight. It felt even better yesterday to zip up a pair of long-hanging-in-the-closet-but-too-small-to-wear pants.

From past experience I know I can hang in here for another 3 weeks and be food-smart. Then I get brain-silly and start shoveling in the gumdrops, cheese, cookies, pizza, 2 cheeseburgers, whatever. Maybe emotion-silly is a better descriptor. All I know is that a some trigger gets pulled deep inside. Then I forget all the resolutions and tears, reaching for food to mindlessly eat and eat. Sometimes it is a one- or two-time binge and then I'm back on the program. Other times, I'm lost and my diet is over. My last "get good" period was four years ago when I lost 80 pounds. I stayed at it for 18 months.

Sadly, I reverted to old habits and regained 60 of those hard-lost pounds. I've moved to a new city in the last year. Everyone I meet now only knows me as a fat person, not the image I want people to have of me. Not the self-image I want either. I want to get off the weight roller coaster for good. Here's an Oprah quote that resonates with me: "It took me a while to get to the truth. I didn't love food. I used food to numb my negative feelings."

My task -- keep losing weight while figuring out what I am hiding or compensating for or trying to heal or trying to hide. What a journey it's gonna be!

I'd love to have company -- does anyone out there want to come along?

Denial Raises Its Ugly Head

What is it about losing a few pounds that instantly makes me think I am skinny? I feel skinny. I think skinny. So I eat. My only consolation is that the eating binge has been much, much worse in the past and it has continued much longer. At least one pound or two of gumdrops wasn't involved!

I stuck to my nutrition plan all day yesterday, then went totally hog wild in the evening -- downing nearly half a box of Cheese-Its. Sure they were the lowfat kind, but half a box?! My first mistake was taking the box into the living room with me instead of counting out the 31 crackers that my plan allows. (Just a week ago I thought that was a rich trove of goodies!) That first handful tasted delicious, the second one even better. All the while I am congratulating myself mentally on having a light dinner of scallops, cabbage and carrots washed down with nonfat milk and being down 3 pounds on the scale.

My mind's eye totally ignored the Saturday evening getting-ready-to-go-to-a-party fiasco. In my new-found skinny euphoria I drag out a pair of black silk party pants from two years ago -- purchased at a swanky department store chain as a gift to myself. I'm going to be the most fashionable woman at the event, I purr to myself. The black silk pants, the royal blue silk tunic, those to-die-for blue Manolos and my drop-dead fashion statement necklace. I'm going to be Vogue-worthy.

Vogue-worthy? What a joke! I pulled on the pants, delighted that they are pulling on so easily. See, this diet stuff is working! Then reality snaps my head back when there's a good six inches between each side of the pant when I try to zip them up, with that root belly belly poking out in-between.

The plus side here is that I recognize that I slipped into old habits last night -- failing to portion out my food and indulging in delusional thinking. So it's onward and upward once again!

13 Calories Each

One gumdrop has 13 calories. Doesn't seem like alot -- until you eat the whole bag. And I've done that hundreds of times! I've spent the last week focusing more on diet research than digging whole hog into my psyche. Too much introspection all at once was getting overwhelming. Eat the 800 pound gorilla one bite at a time. (Curious isn't it, that this apt comment also references eating.)

After or during a tough day, I mindlessly downed a bag of gumdrops, handful after handful, not realizing I was porking away about 2600 extra calories...yikes! Who knew -- did you?

I work late alot and have a hubby at home who is allergic to the kitchen. So regardless of when I get home, he expects me to fix dinner. (Don't rag on me for putting up with this behavior. It's a trade-off for lots of other great things he does. You can't have it all!). So, I'd give him a call saying I'd be home bringing cheeseburgers. I'd go through the drive-thru and order 3 burgers. I would eat the third one while driving home and then eat "mine" alongside hubby.

Does anyone else do these wacko things??? How did you stop? I can be brave and share online but I don't have the courage yet to say such a thing publicly. Share your insight, please, please, please.