13 Calories Each

One gumdrop has 13 calories. Doesn't seem like alot -- until you eat the whole bag. And I've done that hundreds of times! I've spent the last week focusing more on diet research than digging whole hog into my psyche. Too much introspection all at once was getting overwhelming. Eat the 800 pound gorilla one bite at a time. (Curious isn't it, that this apt comment also references eating.)

After or during a tough day, I mindlessly downed a bag of gumdrops, handful after handful, not realizing I was porking away about 2600 extra calories...yikes! Who knew -- did you?

I work late alot and have a hubby at home who is allergic to the kitchen. So regardless of when I get home, he expects me to fix dinner. (Don't rag on me for putting up with this behavior. It's a trade-off for lots of other great things he does. You can't have it all!). So, I'd give him a call saying I'd be home bringing cheeseburgers. I'd go through the drive-thru and order 3 burgers. I would eat the third one while driving home and then eat "mine" alongside hubby.

Does anyone else do these wacko things??? How did you stop? I can be brave and share online but I don't have the courage yet to say such a thing publicly. Share your insight, please, please, please.

Nooks and Crannies of My Mind

Ewww, this poking around in the nooks and crannies of my psyche is a creepy endeavor. Sure, I need to come to terms with why I respond and act like I do. But, lordy, I never imagined it would be such a mental, emotional, spiritual and physical event. But it is.

So I continue to slog through my life to understand what motivates and drives me and even scares me. That way I'll get to the bottom of my desire for success coupled with the love (is this the right emotion???) of gumdrops, chocolate cookies, jelly beans, cheeseballs, Doritos, Baby Ruth candy bars, bridge mix, chocolate covered peppermint patties. There, I've finally made a list of all my "secret" foods that I scarf down in secret. There are little food banks throughout the house, my office, my car, my purse where I go when no one is looking. I think I used to like the taste of them but now I eat them so fast (don't want to be seen/discovered!) that it's more the act of eating than the flavor.

Got to get to the bottom of this nasty behavior 'cuz I've lost the weight before and let it all come back. Have to change that cycle once and for all.

Scared, Shocked, Fascinated

She hung from the tree branch. But not like you would expect one to hang from a tree branch. This branch had her dangling in the air, impaled through her eye. My 6-year old sister, Suzie, had ridden her bicycle into a tree; and was embraced in a way she never imagined. I along with all the other neighborhood kids stood there, staring, shocked into immobility, finally running for adults and shouting for help. Scared, shocked, fascinated.

It's macabre but true, some 30 years past the event, to think that my life changed even more than hers from what happened that day.

Is there, could there be some link to my life's quirks from that fateful day??

Frigid Morning, Fascinating Past, Future Journey

Spent the morning bundled up in warming layers, sipping robust coffee while going through picture albums. An endeavor that was both pleasant and chilling (no weather pun intended!). Pleasant for the long stretch of my life where I had a normal body shape. I've certainly never been a size 4 but a healthy size 10 and even not bad at a size 14. Chilling, though, to watch the root beer belly (OK, OK, those insidious rolls of blubber) grow. From the pictures, the root beer belly started growing in my mid-30's.

To make the pounds go away permanently, I need to know the point in my life where food became so important. I'm off on a journey of exploration.

Me, Oprah and a bag of gumdrops

Well, I decided to do some research this week about losing weight. Lucky me, Oprah was having her Best Life series. I tuned in on Monday to hear what she and Bob Greene had to say about following off the weight wagon , something I've done a few times. I listened again on Tuesday night, this time with Dr. Oz. I took copious notes both nights. I highlighted things to remember. I listed other resources to check out. So, one side of my brain was doing the right things, or so I thought. But the other side of my brain, or is it the darker side of my soul, my dark hidden self, was doing its own thing. 'Cuz each night I mindlessly munched while listening and taking all those detailed notes. Almost a pound of gumdrops one night and jelly beans the next. What is wrong with me?????

Holy crap? That was 6 years ago?

My boss was a total pain, a complete jerk, the proverbial boss from hell . One of those awful uber-demanding people who sucked the air out of the room just by entering it. I survived by having a "2 candy bar crisis" or even a "4 candy bar crisis" response. That phrase even entered the office lexicon -- wow, this one is a 3 candy bar crisis! Sure there were better ways to cope with the stress, but heck this one worked. Until I just realized that that guy isn't my boss anymore and hasn't been my boss for over 6 years! And, I have the mega of all mega root beer bellies to show for it. Seeing all the jiggles in a mirror while getting my hair cut was my "aha OMG moment." Now I gotta figure out how to get back on track...